Love is a Room Without Mirrors

Food Diary

2005-02-17T00:03:28Z

I really like eating breakfast every day. Even if it is at the butt crack of dawn, the company is superior.
Anyway, it seems like I only have something worth logging onto this silly thing for about once halfway through every month. This makes me sad, and thus it is henceforth my food journal. What and where I ate with whom at what time (approx.).

BREAKFAST:
7:45 am
w/my RA Josh and a whole slew of other RAs (a 7:30 towers RA meeting got out I think)
I had:
-4 toaster hashbrowns w/ ketchup
-3 biscuits drenched in gravy
-half a plate of scrambled eggs (w/ ketchup)
-2 glasses of water

Josh comment #1: "Jeez. You eat like it's your job, Kati."
#2: "I have never seen anyone eat so much on a regular basis in my life."
Also, talk about books.

LUNCH:
1:30 p.m.?
w/Snayumms and Lissa and RJ and some random kids who didn't talk much.
I had:
-1/2 cup of cottage cheese
-2 glasses of water

Convo: Mostly about Derek being a creepy shit. Surprise of the day, Snay is in my Psych class... who knew? Well, at least now I have a less creepy psych buddy than Jay.

DINNER:
5:30 p.m.
w/ Josh the RA, Shane, and of course, Lissa.
I had:
-2 pieces of cheese pizza
-a lot of french fries w/ketchup
-half a plate of scalloped potatoes
-a dish of cheese ravioli in tomato sauce

Convo: A lot of ridiculousness. About me, Lissa, Shane, everyone. Somehow the 'are there cops' story came up. Lots of laughing. Josh promised to find me a copy of Nine Stories (J.D. Salinger) to read. I think I am going to lend him Blindness.

God?

2005-01-13T10:16:47Z

It's a little bit disturbing to me (and should be to everyone else) when I start thinking about this. I am so selfish. I know that God has to take people. It has to happen. Everyone that is born has to...well, be UNborn, i suppose. There would be no balance otherwise. And the afterlife thing... I am convinced that somewhere out there in the great black sky, there has to be other conscious life. So if life-forces are constantly passing on, either the universe has to be constantly expanding to make up for this, or energy has to be recycled.

Right now I am okay with the fact that I have to be recycled. It's just something Abby brought up. That it is conceivable that we are recycled again into our own mothers' wombs and born again to live out the same life again over and over. Mine hasn't been to incredibly awful, I know that. I'm doing okay. But there are people out there that I am very close to that I would never force into such a thing. People who have had such terrible pain, fear, suffering in their lives that all they deserve is the most intense peace possible. I am very upset by this right now, but I've slept three hours out of the past 73, and maybe I am not thinking clearly.

I love you Jonny. I messed up, and I know you won't ever see this. I wasn't a good friend to you, but I hope you still know weare friends not till the end, but forever... at least I hope you feel that way too. I'm so messed up over this Jon. You are such a good person, it isn't right that you are hurting this way. It isn't right that someone like you is being cut short and awful, terrible people are living on and on. I know this sounds rash, but I know that I deserve life less than you do. I want it to be me. I want you to have mine. Take it. Please. Jon.

hmmm

2004-12-14T22:13:31Z

I've been so busy! I get to go home tomorrow for quite some time and I am ecstatic about that! I am in love and I love it! Oh, and check out my face book! ( I know, I know, I'm a loser)
-Kati

Hmmm.

2004-11-17T10:58:30Z

Just for the record, Pat and I had another of those fabled 'deep' conversations about our unbelievable relationship on Sunday night/Monday morning. He said a lot of things that really really touched me. He said that he is amazed by how much of his shit I put up with. He meant it. I said that I don't know what he means... and I don't, but I'm sure my friends could tell me just exactly what he is talking about. They always seem very critical of him. A few have said that he isn't good enough for me and I would just like to say FUCK YOU to all of them. In the friendliest way possible of course, seeing as you ARE my friends.

I can't remember too many details of that conversation. We were both very fucked up on unnamed substances. I have realized once again that I would give anything to never have to say goodbye to that man, and I am going to start giving it all up right now. I should have started a long long time ago, but I didn't and I can't change that now.

One other thing that I can remember with enough detail is that he said he behaved in the worst way he possibly could at the beginning in order to see if I would stick with him through anything. And that he is confident that I can and will.

I am such a piece of shit.

TO THE MISSING PUZZLE PIECE IN MY LIFE. YOU FINISH THE PICTURE #2.

Kathleen Rose Moore: Don't ever forget exactly what you are jeopardizing when you take risks. Don't.

Hurray!

2004-11-16T13:04:55Z

Yes, yesterday was a shit day involving a drive home as well as two exams. However, I got to eat in the cafeteria, I got three cheeseburgers out of it all, and a friend of mine gave me the gift of cigarettes in return for a favor I did him last week and forgot about. Today I have to do a whole bunch of crap for English class, but oh well. Maybe it will be fun! (Right)

On the upside, I am in love, I am not yet in withdrawl from his presence, and I got eight hours of sleep last night, which is incredible because it hasn't happened in such an efficient way in a very long time. I am going to go to breakfast, take a shower, watch the South Park movie with subtitles on to figure out what Kenny is saying, and then work my ass off on a term paper. Hurray.

Oh yeah, then I am going to pretty myself up and go with a friend to get a job because his boss told him that they need an attractive, personable girl for sales, and once again, I am owed a favor. Goodness, does it ever feel nice to have good Karma.

Oh God

2004-11-11T12:45:19Z

I watched 'Saw' last night, which I would call tonight, but I'm still not asleep. And I am such a fucked up person. That is all I can say about that now or ever, but I am a horrible, awful person. If that moral vigilante guy were around, I would be Locked in an electrified chain being told to either saw off my foot within three hours and escape or be killed too. Shit. Maybe there should be a guy like that around to punish people.
-Betty

This Weekend Sucked... Well Monday Anyway.

2004-11-09T12:00:46Z

I tried to stay at school. Really, I did. I was here for Friday night. Mel hitched a ride home with Tommy and I was utterly alone. It was a nice change for awhile, I have to say. I love her to death, but I am always craving Kate time. Longtime friends will have known this before reading it. And I slept in Saturday morning with a few friends over. It was nice.
But then come the phone calls. Matt and Lisa and Cliff and everyone else not worth naming are at a party at Laura's? Rob misses me? PAT is throwing an 80-person-guest-list kegger? When was the last time I missed an Abouzahr event? So I de-scrubbed myself in less than half an hour, got in my car, and drove two hours to milford to stop in at Laura's naturally. And then the other 40 minutes to Pontiac to Patrick's... even more naturally. And who was going to bring Blondie back if not me? She hitched a ride down without securing one back!
Laura's was great... I had a confusing moment there with Matthew, and everyone thought I was on Speed, but all in all, a good twenty-five minutes. Pat's was great too, even if all the girls were annoying him trying to make him act lovey-dovey cutesy to me. I snuck my fair share of kisses and just all of the girls wanted to have a conversation about PAT being in love with ME. It's funny, because I didn't bring this up a single time. They were just gushing about how he won't look at other girls and blah blah blah so on and so forth. Surprisingly, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Me and some other people did kah on Sat too. I didn't even get drunk after that... not really anyhow. I must say, I did indulge. So of course we slept in on Sunday. He didn't have to work! And of course neither Mel nor I wanted to leave until Monday after good Sundays with our wonderful boyfriends. So I planned on picking her up circa de 3:30 right? I told her to be ready and waiting right? After all, I was saving her ass, since she isn't 'supposed' to come home without her parents knowing and securing a ride and all.

OF COURSE she was still in bed with Ryan when I got there on time. Of course they had to take half an hour just sitting up before contemplating getting shit in the car. Of course that turned into Ryan going over the fight(s) he got into with his parents this weekend... Of course that turned into several fresh fights with them that Mel HAD to stay for. Of course that turned into waiting around for Ryan to decide whether or not he was going to come stay the week with us AGAIN or not. Needless to say, we didn't leave until 5:45 p.m. or so. I was PISSED off. VERY PISSED. I had to be at lecture at 6. Mel has that class with me, but she doesn't are if she misses if Ryan is involved, right? So I missed lecture, even speeding. To top it all off, I got all the way back to Mount ShitHole going 20 over and got a ticket for 5 over in town. Fucking awesome. I did get to Pizza&Porn eventually, and got the credit and all. So i guess who cares. I told my mom about the ticket too, and she isn't mad or anything. I guess it's alright. I am NOT picking Mel up at Ryan's anymore. She can get her own damn ride to Pat's house and if she isn't on time I'm leaving without her. This has happened every time I've gone to pick her up at Ryan's, which has been every week since mid-August. I'm sick of it, even though I love them both to death... I don't like being walked all over. Look at me, justifying my behavior to myself even though it is completely rational. Jeez. Anyway, the SUNSHINE is coming in all pink and such, and it is time for me to read me some Pride and Prejudice and fall asleep hopefully.

Peace.
-Betty

tuesdays

2004-11-03T01:42:33Z

Auto response from feroshiss: Okay you mean-faced people! I couldn't sleep because I-don't know why but it is cold outside of my bed and you were all away and Tuesday is my day off anyhow... so SUCK IT. I am now going to snuggle into my warm comfy bed and attempt to read a book, which will probably turn into sleeping all day, ignoring all phone calls and doing absolutely nothing productive.

DrSmooth8417: i was going to say something to you about being the only person not idle or asleep when i was up at 6:45 for my lab today. If there were a prize for that, you would win.

Silence Distance: That's gotta be the best-planned day ever, you enjoy yourself. :-*

_matt_

anthemoessan @ 2004-11-02T09:03:00

2004-11-02T14:10:53Z

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet + Street you live on): Bonnie Washburn

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of your favorite snack food + Grandfather's first name): Cherry Wilmer

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left + Favorite restaurant): Marlboro Klancy

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot): Clove Cozumel

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied): Greenbean Milford

6. "FLY Boy" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name): K. Moo

7. ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen): Caramel Coffee

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Where You Went to High School): Birdy Milford

9. BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink): Twizzler Jack-Straight-Up

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived): Rose Washburn

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician): Crunch Oberst

Surveys When You Still Can't Sleep

2004-11-02T13:33:32Z

So easy to become addicted, no?

1. PICK ONE OF YOUR SCARS OUT, NOW HOW DID YOU GET IT?
1/2" jagged line over bridge of my nose... How not to walk through a garage door.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Neon green, yellow, and orange paint... A yellow child's calculator, a yellow children's stprybook, a green children's storybook, an orange antiqu map of the great lakes, a gift bag with neon smileyfaces and flowers... a few notes from friends in original folded presentation... and the list goes on.

3. WHAT IS/WAS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE? Being eternally lost in a seemingly familiar place full of strangers and evershifting relative location.

4. WHAT DO YOU DO TO EXERCISE? Metabolize energy doing everyday tasks... such as sitting and breathing and blinking all at the same time.

5. GRAPES OR WATERMELON? grapes. if they're green.

6. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE? Had sex in a fast-food resaurant.

7. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU STARTED FILLING THIS IN? Looking at someone else's Live Journal where I found this.

8. DO YOU OWN ANYTHING LEATHER? Many things. I also EAT cow-product.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON SOMEONE? Tone of voice.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? No.

11. COULD YOU EVER SEE YOURSELF MOVING FROM WHERE YOU ARE NOW? I hope so. This dorm room is sort of cramped to live in for life.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME? Autumn Leaves

13. WHAT ATTRACTS YOU TO SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Pheremones? Well I suppose it has yet to be proven, but I'm pretty sure. Girls go crazy for AXE.

14. SUNRISE OR SUNSET? Sunset.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT? Starbuck's. Or a keg party.

16. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF GOING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON? Mexico.

17. CAN YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? Not really. But my parents spent a fortune trying to make sure I could play any number of instruments. Poor kids.

18. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE? Not fluently.

19. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)? I've been receiving gifts from boys for a very long time. It would be highly difficult to say. My guess would be a flower or chocolate or a Valentine card of some sort.

rough nights

2004-11-02T12:56:00Z

ANYONE insomniacs ON SOUTH CAMPUS (OR FARTHER BUT WILLING TO WALK):
I am having issues sleeping! They have nothing to do with moving here, even though I am a freshman. I always have sleeping problems. But my friends don't! So late-night is getting awfully lonely. I feel like I'm going crazy. So if you want to hang out or just talk on AIM or SOMETHING it would be really great to talk to someone else who is up all night every night alone. The worst time is like 4-8 am.
AIM: feroshiss
e-mail: feroshiss@hotmail.com
building: Cobb (old towers)

-Kati
(this is campus community post, but I figured those of you that still love me eno9ugh to check on me here would probably care to know that I am ging insane)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
peace
-betty

Also: good weekend, rough sunday.

anthemoessan @ 2004-10-25T21:51:00

2004-10-26T02:24:22Z

Living on a floor with 34 Republicans is driving me out of my damn mind.

Fuck Y'all Republicans

2004-10-26T01:43:45Z

Little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks! in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!

"I made it very plain. We will not have an all-volunteer army." - George W. Bush, 10/16/04

PS- I stole this ENTIRE entry from an old friend. I'm not even going to tell him unless he notices himself.

Peace!
-Betty

:(

2004-10-22T20:34:25Z

Too much liquor wednesday = stomach flu-like thursday and friday.

Jason Stutesman's Thoughts on Kati

2004-10-12T01:03:51Z

Kagogan: i was just more happy around you cuz you just did things that were awesome like how you always said your opinion the way you wanted to say you didnt change it for people around you just came out and said and when you got mad at someone god that is hilarious

Weekends

2004-10-11T15:48:58Z

Friday: Double Bio Lab. Dinner. I somehow lost my meal card. Fuck. Acted really immature and called Jake a liar...at the top of my lungs in the cafeteria. Got 'home' a.k.a. Pat's House. Good sex, but not great sex. I love him so much. I really do. Sleep.

Saturday: Wake up at 3pm. Pat at work, so go home, yeah? Home. Cell phone dead all day. Hair dye: black. Matt says hot at coffee, but Matt is Matt you know. Mom doesn't like it, but mom knows that won't entice me to change it back. I dick around spot-touching my hair and packing more winter clothes in the car. This makes me an hour and a half later than I had hoped getting back to Pat's, but I'm not concerned. Vikes up the wazoo. Then Stacey and Pat get back and L_____ comes by. We all know what that means, right? Well, GREEN of course. Fuck me; my head was full and hazy Saturday. He loved my hair and asked me not to change it any time soon. Sex all over the damn house. Even icky sex. I couldn’t believe how much I wanted Pat. I hate high sex. It was nuts.

Sunday: Pat wakes up two hours late for work, lucks out like Pat does, doesn't get caught. Yet. I go buy cigarettes then do some math homework. Then sleep until he gets home. Then sleep cuddled with him until eight p.m. After, I say I'm hungry but that turns into sex, which is a good thing because on the way back from getting food we get lit... which means that as usual, I don't want to have sex anymore. "What about last night?" Well babe that was the exception. We sit around high as fuck watching the sci-fi channel and eating until approximately 12:15 a.m. I realize I haven't gotten Barbie from her boy's house yet and also that I have to come back to school. So I drive to her boy's house, which is hard 'cuz I'm still ripped... but when I get there I have a very nice LONG conversation with HIS mother because they're still upstairs bangin'. =)
Love you girly. Jeez. No, it was a good weekend though.

Things to Do This Week:
1) Find different lab to go to.
2) Pack suitcase.
3) Read MYSTIC MASSEUR by Thursday.
4) Go tanning.
5) Get nails done.

Hey CMU! Turn on the heat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm out.

-Betty

Memories

2004-10-11T15:43:21Z

Kate, you've been doing such a wonderful job of wrapping people up. As if it was a suicidal final art, you only need a little bit to create such a reaction. Do you see that people love you? They think you're beautiful, they think you're wise, caring, compassonate, and for most, available. He thinks that he owns you. People are not used to such kindness, cold reciprocates numbness, and that's what everyone is. Guys especially are so fuckin horny 25/7 that any act of kindness they'll take as a sign that you want them. You want me around. I do something for you, not sure what, but I do. But realize that in a world so cold, people need to feel someone else. It's you, you bring something so much more than kindness. Love you...

Matt Massuch
(Quite awhile ago)

Weekends

2004-10-11T15:27:44Z

Friday: Double Bio Lab. Dinner. Somehow lost my meal card. Fuck. Acted really immature and called Jake a liar...at the top of my lungs in the cafeteria. Got 'home' a.k.a. Pat's House. Good sex, but not great sex. I love him so much. I really do. Sleep.

Saturday: Wake up at 3pm. Pat at work, so go home, yeah? Home. Cell phone dead all day. Hair dye: black. Matt says hot at coffee, but Matt is Matt you know. Mom doesn't like it, but mom knows that won't entice me to change it back. I dick around spot-touching my hair and packing more winter clothes in the car. This makes me an hour and a hlf later than I had hoped getting back to Pat's, but I'm not concerned. Vikes up the wazoo. Then Stacey and Pat get back and L_____ comes by. We all know what that means, right? Well, GREEN of course. Fuck me, my head was full and hazy Saturday. He loved my hair. Asked me not to change it any time soon. Sex all over the damn house. Even icky sex. I coldn't believe how much I wanted Pat. I hate high sex. It was nuts.

Sunday: Pat wakes up two hours late for work, lucks out like Pat does, doesn't get caught. Yet. I go buy cigarrettes then do some math homework. Then sleep until he gets home. Then sleep cuddled with him until eight p.m. After, I say I'm hungry but that turns into sex, which is a good thing because on the way back from getting food we get lit... which means that as usual, I don't want to have sex anymore. "What about last night?" Well babe, that was the exception. We sit around high as fuck watching the sci-fi channel and eating until approximately 12:15 a.m. I realize I haven't gotten Barbie from her boy's house yet and also that I have to come back to school. So I drive to her boy's house, which is hard 'cuz I'm still ripped... but when I get there I have a very nice LONG cnoversation with HIS mother because they're still upstairs bangin'. =)
Love you girly. Jeez. No, it was a good weekend though.

Things To Do This Week:
1) Find different lab to go to.
2) Pack suitcase.
3) Read MYSTIC MASSEUR by Thursday.
4) Go tanning.
5) Get nails done.

Hey CMU! Turn on the heat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm out.

-Betty

Every Day's Just A Holiday

2004-10-06T04:37:55Z

So today I feel a lot different than the last few days. I'm not really down on myself today. I'm just down on everything and everyone. And I get to smile and act happy because I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG. But something is. I know that something is. It's like being blind in a strange bright room by yourself and wondering why someone else left the light on. The you wonder if it's on at all.

I can't put my finger on what's wrong. What if everything is wrong? What if nothing is wrong but me though? What if it is just me?

God Damn You Kati

2004-10-04T15:50:45Z

So you stayed up all night on purpose and didn't study hard enough and slept through you biology class and consequently your history exam. Fantastic. You didn't go to class most of last week and you don't really understand your goddamn math homework that you're working on. You are going to flunk out of Central, meaning you aren't ever giong to transfer somewhere better. You are a fucking reject. Love, Yourself.

Fuck Jobs

2004-10-04T02:48:47Z

You can all suck my dick, unless you have a suspicion that I don't mean you. And I don't want to hear the argument that I don't have one. That isn't exactly relevant to my saying you should SUCK IT.

Patrick

2004-10-03T12:53:13Z

So I showed Patrick my arm last night. He held me, and cried, and all that stuff. Oh yeah, and told me that if I ever hurt myself again he will 'drop me like a bad habit'. I'm already so ashamed of myself, you know? It's rough. I don't even know what to do? I know it will happen again unless I find some way to completely avoid negative feelings, and I don't think anyone can really ever do that. But then again I really just cannot live without him. I'm addicted. I don't even know what to think about myself right now. I feel disgusting and weak and controlled- both by him and my compulsive behaviors. What would he do if he knew that I still fast sometimes and get into the binge-purge cycle? I feel like I can't even tell him about anything now.

He says just call and talk when I feel like being destructive, but when I do that I can never even explain what is wrong. It's just that I know SOMETHING is wrong. And I can't fix it until I know what it is. So it just confuses him that I'm upset about 'nothing'. It's like everyone thinks that I'm crazy, but I'm not, I'm just unable to put my finger on what is bothering me. I haven't felt like this since junior year of high school right before I moved to Silverthorne. Ick.

It was so bad at the lowest point that year. I am so scared that I will get like that again, but then again, even if I had someone I could talk to, I wouldn't be able to talk about something I can't point out. I remember walking around like a ghost back then: Staring right through people while I was TRYING to listen to them, just numb to everything... Even when I wasn't on anything. Massuch and Pearce would remember. Fabrizio would too, but that bridge is burned. For the better.

It was so frightening. Have you ever been in class HIGH AS A KITE and tried to focus on something diffuicult? That is how I felt (when I was sober) for months that year. I would be looking straight at someone and try to have a conversation, and it would be like my eyes couldn't focus on them, and my brain couldn't keep up with how fast everything was moving, and everything sounded like it was down a long tunnel or underwater. And I feel like that is creeping up on me again. I'm scared.

My parents are coming to visit in a few hours. I really am excited to see them, but my mom wants to take me clothes shopping for Jonathon's wedding in two weeks and she is totally going to notice the bandages on my arms. What the hell am I going to say? She'll pull me out of school, and that isn't what I want, it really isn't. I don't know what to do.

anthemoessan @ 2004-09-30T16:50:00

2004-09-30T20:56:45Z

patrick is so beautiful!

blah

2004-09-30T20:17:52Z

Melissa and I slept till 2 pm again. I fucking hate that...I really do. I want to drop my Films class, but I don't know how to go about doing that this late in the semester. The bitch at the doctor's office wouldn't give me an appointment for burn treatment unless I told her how the burns happened. And they won't treat burns at a regular checkup appointment she said, so i can't just whip that out while he's looking for my tonsils or something. What am I supposed to do about third degree burns myself? I have no idea.

I'm really worried about going home this weekend... Patrick is going to be furious about this. And the cuts. It's been a long time. And I can't tell him I did it while I was fucked up, that would be even worse.

A Perfect Sonnet:
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire,
Something that would make me never want another.
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered...
All would be clear again.

But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments,
Watch it all dissolve into a single second-
Try to write it down into a perfect sonnet or one foolish line.
Cuz that's all that you'll get, so you'll have to accept that
You are here then you're gone.

Holy Fuck

2004-09-27T14:37:49Z

Central sucks ass.
Seriously sucks ass.
And the Milford girls are here, at least some of us, and Lisa did that thing again. That thing where I want to kill her because it just dashes our friendship to pieces. On the floor. And then walks on it with cleats. It is messy and difficult to clean up every time she does this. I think I'm going to confront her about it. Probably not. If she reads this, it is okay for her to know that last night, when I heard, I said and meant that she is a whore. But i wouldn't say it or mean it this morning... I hope.

I miss Matt, I miss Pat, I miss my friggin mom.

I started doing that thing again. That thing that I do. I can't get my thoughts out at all. Not accurately. And then I take the scissors or the razor and bleed them out. Or the newest development: my cigarette, and put them out. On my arms. Why the fuck would I do that?

Me and Barbie said YAY last night. And no more friendship with Troy. I think that may have been the most masochistic friendship I've been part of anyhow.

Patrick and I had such a lovely weekend. Saturday September 25. Jeez, what a great night. I really do love him. So much. More than the flowers love the sunshine babe.